


at night

by neviridian



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Cuddling & Snuggling, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Lowercase, M/M, Pining, Platonic Cuddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26838454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neviridian/pseuds/neviridian
Summary: chan felt a stifling sob tickling in the back of his throat after he went to his room. the coldness of his own bed surrounded him. he whispered something that was meant for his ears only.“please, my heart. let me be brave just this once.”orchan doesn't know how to deal with his feelings
Relationships: Bang Chan & Everyone, Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 26
Kudos: 165





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i totally wrote this instead of sleeping. i don't even know. this is so bad and i apologize to everyone who accidentally clicked on this. this is my very first fic and just felt like the obligatory chanlix fic i had to write after reading like 100 hurt/comfort snuggle chanlix fics. also english isn't my first language and it shows, i'm so sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes. I also have no idea who rooms with who.
> 
> started writing it, had a breakdown. bon appetit.

many couldn't imagine, but seoul was actually a rather quiet city at night.

of course this did not apply to the streets where the vehicles nearly stacked on top of each other no matter if it was night or day nor did it apply to the crowded alleyways that resided clubs or other activities to keep people entertained at night.

many went drinking with friends or colleagues and saw busking groups along their way. others were just on their way home, hoping that the traffic would not be so horrible as the day before. those were the ones whose heavy bodies were ready to collapse any minute after hours of working and they just wanted to sleep far away from the noisy city life of seoul.

so yes, living in seoul was actually fairly loud. but not when you finally managed to get home, worn out from the day. once you got home every noise and street light just faded into the background.

it was in the early hours when he got home, the sky still black with no star to be seen thanks to the light pollution, the moon was hidden behind dark clouds. all in all it was a normal night in seoul.

chan tried to open the door as quietly as possible as everyone was supposed to be asleep. on some nights he caught someone in the kitchen on their way to digest a late night snack, the mutual disappointment on both sides for still being awake lurking in the air. sometimes someone fell asleep on their sofa watching a show or while scrolling through their phone.

he went to the bathroom with quiet steps hoping not to wake anyone up and once he was finished he went to bed. with every step he took he silently wished that his steps were not too loud. 

looking at his bed made him feel uncomfortable.

it just looked to empty. He wondered if someone were to be okay with sharing a bed. but then again, he did not want to bother anyone. chan laid down in his own too cold bed and rolled in it for at least half an hour without his body wanting to fall asleep anytime soon. 

before he even knew it he was standing in front of felix's bed as if he walked there on autopilot. he looked the younger boy directly in the face but could not seem to make out any closer features of his face as the room was too dark.

since the day chan found out that felix did not show him the same level of physical affection like he showed the other members his own initiative to show affection seemed to falter. was felix not comfortable around him?

such questions accompanied him since then almost every day. every time he reached over to felix he stopped himself before it was too late. chan was bothered by such questions this night as well where he was standing directly before the younger boy's bed. he looked at him for a little longer until his eyes were accustomed to the darkness. the clouds slowly made way for the moonlight to shine through their curtains, a lone ray of light made it on felix's face. it was nearly enough for chan to spot the freckles he loved so deeply.

he was too afraid of accidentally be seen so he slowly made his way to his own bed. this time the floor under his feet seemed to betray him when they made his first step away from the bed, a small squeak escaping from them. it was by no means loud, but it was loud enough for felix to open his eyes.

still a bit disorientated from sleep felix looked up and looked at the intruder. 

“hyung? what time is it?” his voice was still rough from the sleep and even deeper than usual. nevertheless, it was tranquil. the complete opposite of what chan felt at the moment. his heart was throbbing in his chest and beating so fast that he thought that it could leap right out of his ribcage at any second. he was flustered because he didn't expect felix to wake up.

this was his chance. he could have just asked if he could lie down besides felix. both were more tired than anything else, so felix probably wouldn't even bother to say no. they would wake up in the morning and pretend that nothing happened. because nothing would have happened. felix was constantly cuddling with the other members at night, just not with chan. it bothered him.

“it's still early. sorry for waking you up.”

felix muttered something under his breath that sounded a bit like a “no problem” before he turned around and continued to sleep. chan felt a stifling sob tickling in the back of his throat after he went to his room. the coldness of his own bed surrounded him. he whispered something that was meant for his ears only.

“please, my heart. let me be brave just this once.”

the city of seoul was quiet. the only thing that could be heard was chan's loud heartbeat and the cars driving on the streets outside.

//

with one problem usually came along more.

and so it happened that chan always happened to catch himself staring at felix. he didn't even notice it at first until someone pointed it out for him. it wasn't like he was embarrassed, it was just that he didn't want felix to feel uncomfortable.

right now, however, he was sitting on the floor of their dance practice room rolled-up against the wall trying to distract himself with his phone. he wouldn't even be in need of a distraction if it wasn't for minho, hyunjin and felix going trough some steps while the others were on a small break. it was like chan's eyes were magically attracted by felix. 

the three dancers were just perfectly harmonizing with each other. it was like the way felix moved was hypnotizing. his hair was sticking to his forehead thanks to his sweat but to chan it was simply mesmerizing.

just one of the many things he was frightened by.

half of them made their way back home after their dance practice, the others were still doing some things around the city. the ones who remained were jisung, minho, changbin and chan, who were all already sound asleep except for the latter.

at least the oldest thought so until he was struggling to fall asleep and was tossing and turning in his bed. that was until he heard minho's voice, his body wincing lightly.

“can't sleep?” he sounded like he was also trying to fall asleep for a long time.

“am i that obvious?”

he heard a scoff. “you're moving too much, it was too loud. besides, you never really sleep anyway.”

'i guess that's true,' thought chan but he didn't say it out loud. he looked over to minho and saw a pair of eyes staring right back at himself. chan played with the thought of just going over to the other to lie down besides him like he wanted to do with felix, but he didn't dare to.

it was easier with minho. he could've just stood up, walked right over to him to lie besides him without his heart feeling like it would explode at any given moment.

therefore, he simply did it.

he couldn't endure another night surrounded by the cold, worrying over too many things at the same time waiting for the sleep to kick in.

minho observed chan until he stood in front of his bed. it was like minho understood what he wanted without chan having to say it and made space for him. chan made use of it as soon as possible and laid down on the warm bed, pleased that he didn't have to spend the night alone. he felt how minho turned around to squeeze his body against chan's back so that he could feel minho's breath on his neck. minho dared to speak after he felt how chan's body relaxed after a few minutes.

“do you wanna talk about it?” 

chan contemplated it. did he want to talk about it? yes. did he want to talk about it, now where he could forget the emptiness inside of him even if only for a few seconds for the first time since what felt like forever? no. he snuggled a bit closer into minho's arms.

“no, not yet. i'm sorry.”

minho said nothing in return and his steady and even breathing pattern told chan that minho was already falling asleep. slowly, it also overcame him and he closed his eyes.

he didn't perceive how the door opened before he fell asleep.

//

everyone had a breaking point, and chan felt like he was approaching his.

after this night he tried to avert his stare as often as he could. except from the bare necessities he also hardly ever talked to felix anymore. he knew that he was being unfair towards felix, but he thought that it was necessary in order for him to forget his feelings and for the group to function without any disturbances. 

he knew that he wasn't as inconspicuous as he wanted to be as he felt the glances of minho and hyunjin on him ever since that night. he figured that minho would have told someone, though he had rather expected jisung than hyunjin. although it didn't matter, because both didn't know how to address this properly.

it took a few days before the topic came up again.

seungmin, jeongin, felix, hyunjin and chan were laying on their sofa watching some old movies. felix was spread all over jeongin while seungmin and hyunjin were packet up under the same blanket.

it was hard for chan to look away from felix and the youngest. the disgusting feeling of jealousy was creeping in his stomach. he was glad that both were asleep at the moment because otherwise they'd have to see his pathetic attempts to concentrate on the tv.

in the corner of his eyes he could see how hyunjin turned to look at him and chan nearly prayed that he wouldn't talk about the obvious. not then when there were so many people in the room, even when they were asleep. not when the person who caused this was in the room.

of course he didn't have that kind of luck.

“hyung,” hyunjin expressed carefully, “you know that you can always talk to us when something bothers you, right?”

his voice which was as smooth as honey fell down on the room like a feather. it covered up the loud sounds from the tv but not the nervous beating of chan's heart. without answering chan turned around to analyse hyunjin's expression. he truly looked worried. chan however just couldn't tell him no matter how badly he wanted to and how bad he felt for it.

he just couldn't risk it. because telling him would mean risking their friendship, their career and everything in between. he opened his mouth but promptly decided to close his mouth. what should he even say? he hated lying to his friends and family more than anything else in the world, but it felt like he had no other choice.

“don't worry about me. it's just the usual stress.” hyunjin knew that chan was lying, it was his gut feeling. he also knew that chan would never lie to them if he didn't have a good reason. that worried him even more.

instead of answering him he laid his head on chan's shoulder with the elder immediately tensing up. he hoped that physical touch would comfort him even for just this moment. chan reacted to that with lying his own head on top of hyunjin's. he felt the others hair tickling his chin.

both didn't notice that they weren't the only ones who were awake.

//

getting overwhelmed easily is apparently a thing for chan these days.

it was getting worse and worse until the problem was so big that it couldn't be ignored anymore. they just arrived from the plane to the airport and were now on their way to their cars with fans intruding their personal spaces as always. most of them could be held off by their bodyguards but that still left the infinite numbers of flash lights and cameras. nothing they shouldn't be used to.

with the recent events however, it was all just too much for chan. he just wanted to arrive at his van so he could escape everything and mute out the noises. when they finally arrived after what felt like an eternity he felt free to let out a profound sigh. he was just glad that felix was driving with the other car. though his obvious feeling of lingering discomfort didn't go unnoticed by seungmin and the youngest of the group. both looked at each other, deciding who should speak up first.

jeongin didn't say anything but instead stroke his hand over chan's, locking their fingers. it was seungmin who spoke. 

“chan-hyung, you know you can talk to us if you want to.”

he knew that he could. he really knew. he felt bad that he didn't do that. the only thing that came out of his mouth was “i know. i'm sorry. not yet.”

the first thing he felt when he stepped out was seungmin's tight embrace and jeongin's hand that wouldn't let go until they were back home.

//

to him, falling in love was like falling to pieces.

changbin, jisung and chan were all bundled up together in their studio working on their music. it was already dark outside and no one really knew what time it was.  
chan tried to write down a few lines but every time he looked on his notes it just didn't feel right. he felt sick in the stomach whenever he read them. it was way too obvious what he was mentally trying to process for anyone else to read it.

that was the reason why he ripped them out and threw them to the numerous other crumpled-up notes on the floor. it was one of the strange nights where he felt tired for once, and so he closed his eyes.

when changbin looked outside the window for the first time in hours the night already arrived. he recognized the lights of other apartments and if he bended down slightly he could've also seen the lights of the streets.

he looked over to jisung who looked like he was ready to fall asleep at any given moment while still being absorbed in his work. then he glanced over to chan. who was asleep.

if changbin wouldn't have been really tired himself then his reaction would've been a bit more extreme. nonetheless he was shocked to see chan actually asleep, in the studio in addition to that. normally chan was very strict when it came to work or work related subjects so seeing him completely knocked out was not something he thought he would see anytime near.

just when changbin wanted to disrupt jisung in his work he noticed the countless notes scattered on the floor besides chan. he picked them up and carefully folded it out, trying not to wake their leader. after he read the first words his eyes widened and he couldn't believe what he saw. he was definitively awake now.

he opened another note. 'lovesickness?' was the first thing that came into his mind. with every verse it became clearer what chan was feeling at the moment. he was in love with someone? changbin nearly couldn't believe it. of course writing such lyrics didn't necessary mean that you've experienced such feelings yourself but there was always some truth in them.

how come they knew nothing about it? do they know this person? the one that made chan feel like shit lately?

it was at this moment jisung decided to call it a day and only then noticed how changbin was looking at those notes. “what is it?”

changbin faced him and showed him the lyrics. “hyung threw these away. i know it sounds strange, but.. it kinda sounds like he's in love with someone.”

“what? let me see.”

he handed him the papers so jisung could read them. he couldn't believe what he saw. it was normal that lyricists poured their emotions into their words. that made it even more painful to read. it really didn't help that everyone noticed that chan has been kind of distanced lately, and every time, when he thought that no one was looking he tensed up to an extend that jisung has never seen before. they didn't ask about it hoping that he would come to them when he felt comfortable enough, but he didn't. and that worried them.

before he could have said anything else they both heard rustling. they didn't notice that chan woke up.

“what are you doing?” his voice was still rough from sleep. panic flooded his body however when he saw his notes in the hands of the others. the three of them looked at each other for a few seconds before saying something.

“hyung... these lyrics... are you really in love with someone?”

chan couldn't reply to this. his mind was hazy and he shook his head.

“n-no... you weren't supposed to see these...” his teary eyes didn't go unnoticed by the other two members. 

they were certainly surprised by this reaction but didn't linger long and pulled him into a tight hug. chan embraced them and hid his face in jisung's neck. it took a few minutes, hair patting and reassuring words until his sobbing lessened.

“wanna talk about it?”

“i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. but not yet.”

not yet. not yet.

//

everyone knew that felix was a total cuddle bug. 

it really couldn't be missed because he threw his physical affection figuratively around whether one wanted it or not. he volunteered to be jisung's personal pillow more than once or simply liked to cuddle with others, just like he craved holding hands with the other members and hugging them and being hugged in return. he just loved physical affection. so when it came to his mind that he somehow left chan out of that all, he was confused. he wasn't even aware of this in the beginning as he shared the same level of physical affection with him like everyone else.

then it got less. until it stopped altogether.

felix felt that something was missing. what was it? he couldn't get an answer until the next movie night they had. he wanted to lay his head on on chan' shoulder but the elder immediately flinched. however, he showed no signs of shoving felix away.

'does he feel uncomfortable around me?' he wanted to ask out loud, but he couldn't bring up the courage.

the night ended with felix falling asleep and somehow waking up in his cold bed.

the next time was a few days later.

felix could sleep despite it being late until he heard someone opening the front door. was chan finally home? a few more minutes went by until he heard the sound of footsteps again. however, instead of chan going to his own bed he stood in front of felix's. he rolled over and acted as if he just woke up.

“hyung, what time is it?”

he tried to detect the elders face in the dark but could not perceive anything else besides a frown.

“it's still early. sorry for waking you up.”

and so he was gone, leaving a confused felix behind. He felt a void in his heart.

it was not rare that he felt chan's eyes on himself.

it didn't matter where he was, whenever he turned his head he saw how the elder quickly diverted his stare, even while practising their dances he knew who looked at the back of his head.

he was used to being stared at, but he never got used to chan's stares.

not everyone drove back to their dorm after dance practice as some were still working on something else or simply wanted to grab a bite. felix however wasn't feeling hungry so he just strolled though the streets.

he followed the quiet alleys. not the creepy ones that weren't even illuminated but also not the ones that were run over by cars.

felix let his mind wander. no matter what he wanted to think about his mind always came back to chan. to the moments he always tensed up whenever felix touched him or how he always averted his stares.

he didn't know what to think of it.

just wanting to fall asleep he went back to the dorm. he thought that everyone was already asleep until he detected hushed voices from minho's room. he opened the door as quietly as possible but what he saw caught him off-guard.

the elder had his back pressed against minho's chest while the latter had his head tugged in chan's neck. it looked oddly domestic. felix held his breath.

it was normal for the members the members to share a bed. felix himself did it often enough. so why did he feel this ugly feeling called jealousy tickling inside of him?

another movie night was needed until felix finally realized something.

they just watched some old films that were rather boring if you asked him. that was the reason why he leaned on jeongin to feel comfortable to fall asleep. he didn't know how long he was asleep but when he woke up he overhear the muffled voices by hyunjin and chan. felix felt bad for pretending to be asleep, however, he also wanted to know what they were talking about.

it sounded like hyunjin was worrying over chan. did he also notice that something was wrong? unfortunately chan just uttered that it was the usual stress and that everything was fine. everyone knew he was lying.

it was more than obvious that he was lying. nothing was fine. not when the first thing felix saw when he stepped out of that van was how tight seungmin embraced their leader and the hold from jeomgin's hand that had such a firm grip that it seemed like he was afraid that the moment he let go chan would crumble into pieces.

they all had enough.

hyunjin called in a meeting between them as soon as chan left the dorm. “we have to talk about something.” everyone glanced to him.

he took a deep breath.

“i'm sure that you all noticed that something is wrong with chan. he just doesn't want to talk about it.” they all knew where this was going.  
“he just behaves weirdly since a while. he worries me.” everyone seemed to agree.

jisung considered for a moment. “i think i know what's going on,” he exchanged glances with changbin who just nodded, “we think he's in love.”

they were met with silence.

“we know what you're thinking, but take a look at these.” he handed them the notes he still had somewhere inside his pockets. they had a hard time believing this. 'chan, in love?' the one who never seemed to look at anyone else besides his work? only felix thought of something entirely different.

'was that the reason why he was distancing himself so much?'

“but why does he feel like he can't tell us?”

“i think,” felix expressed carefully, “he will tell us when he thinks the time is right.”

they all wanted to believe this. they knew that he must've had a good reason for hiding it. that didn't stop them from feeling hurt, though.

//

nobody had the confidence to confront chan and every hint in this direction came to nothing. felix was lost. he wanted to encourage their leader but he didn't know how. normally, whenever someone was hurting, he would just shower them in his affection, but he knew that chan was uncomfortable with that. at least from felix.

it was even worse today. whenever felix stepped in the line of sight from chan he fled. and after their schedule he was nowhere to be found.

felix laid down on his bed. even after a tiresome day he just couldn't sleep. what confused him more was that he found himself in front of changbin's and chan's shared bunk bed, staring directly in the elders face. changbin however wasn't in it. were the other members outside?

when chan took notice of felix his body visibly tensed up.

“lixie, what's wrong? can't sleep?”

“not really. hyung, can i sleep here tonight?”

'that's a bad idea' chan thought. he should say no. but who was he to deny felix anything?

“sure.”

he made room for felix to climb into his bed. they were lying back to back so that they couldn't see each other. chan felt like his heart was doing somersaults but he didn't know if he should say something. felix did it for him.

“hyung... we have to talk.” chan hoped that felix wouldn't talk about the obvious. he prayed that it was something else. before he could react felix repositioned himself so that he was sitting on the bed rather than lying on it. chan was the opposite. he was curled into a ball while hiding his face in his pillow. he didn't want to talk about it. but luck was not on his side.

“it's just... recently you've become so distant from us. from me. i don't even see you anymore besides at work.”

chan had really wished that it wouldn't have to come to this. the guilt of making felix and the others feel bad was eating him up. he really tried to distance himself from felix for everyone's sake. so why didn't his feelings disappear? why did they grow whenever he saw the freckled boy?

“did i do something wrong? normally you're telling us when we make mistakes. why not now?” chan couldn't bear to hear felix this sad.

“no...no lixie, you didn't do anything wrong.”

“what is it then? is it the company? are you in trouble?”

“it's nothing like that.”

“why won't you tell us then?” it was obvious that felix became irritated and impatient when he raised his voice slightly.

“...or were changbin and jisung right?” despite the last part being spoken in a hushed voice chan could still understand it. did they talk about chan in secret?

“right about what?” panic surrounded his entire body. he was incredibly afraid of being found out. that his secret, that he was in love with another member and his best friend was discovered. he would be labelled as a creep and be thrown out of the group or worse, the group would disband. under no circumstances could he risk that.

“they told us...that you were in love with someone.” felix's voice became soft again.

that was exactly what chan did not want to hear. he could say no, he wasn't in love with someone. he could say that it was someone from the company and that he was nearly over it. there were so many possibilities were he could avoid the reality. he would still be a liar, and he hated those with a passion.

felix hesitated. “it's okay, really! it's perfectly normal to fall in love. who is she?”

“no, you have it wrong. i am in love with someone but...” it was now or never. he pressed his face even further into the pillow if that was even possible, “but... it's not a her.”

that felix didn't show any reaction made it even worse. he just stayed silent. it made chan even more nervous.

“why....didn't you say anything?”

“i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.” his sobbing was more than clearly audible in the silence.

“hey, you don't have to apologize for that.” he put his hand on chan's shoulder, but the other was so distracted that he couldn't feel it. it was now or never.

“i do because... i'm in love with you.”

he said it. he really said it. and felix didn't really know how he should react to this.

“i tried to suppress it for so long, i really did. i'm so sorry. please don't hate me.”

“what? i could never hate you! i just... didn't expect that. wait, is that the reason why i never see you anymore?” chan could only nod. felix could understand him. really. it was a dangerous gamble. for the group, for their friendship, for them. felix really didn't know how he should feel about this. but seeing his leader in tears was enough for him.

“hyung... i know that it's risky but... can i kiss you?”

chan couldn't believe his ears. did he hear him right? before he had any time to react felix's hands were already on both sides of his head, forcing them to face each other. he looked up to the freckled boy that was currently leaning down to him until their breaths mixed together.

“tell me to stop.” his heart was beating way too fast. there were so many reasons to say no that outweighed the reasons to say yes. he couldn't.

then he felt it. felix slowly closed the short distance between them until chan felt felix's soft lips on his own. it was more like a soft peck on the lips than a kiss and it was over before he knew it.

chan slowly opened his eyes. “lixie..?”

“hyung... i don't know how i feel. i don't know if the love i feel is the same as yours, but i know that my feelings for you are different that what i feel towards the others. do you still... want to try?”

chan's heart completely froze up. who was he to say no to him?

“yeah, i'd... like that.”

that was enough for both of them and so they snuggled closer together, blissfully unaware of changbin who stood in the doorway and overheard the last pieces of their conversation. they could talk about everything tomorrow.

and seoul was quiet. the only thing that could be heard were their loud heartbeats. chan's bed wasn't cold anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't even have a second chapter in mind when i wrote this as it was supposed to be a one shot. but then i got lovely comments and i decided to add another chapter (even if it's a short one)! this is just 90% chanlix cuddling and chan being sappy, what's new
> 
> anyway, please enjoy! :)

everything was going well. chan talked with everyone and they were glad that he confided in them and that he seemed to be happier now. felix shared that sentiment and chan thought that everything really was going more than well.

was it really?

now that chan had the freedom to call felix his own he couldn't hold back at all. he craved for physical affection wherever they went. he craved for it more and more.

he wanted to hold felix's hand to feel his small fingers between his own. he wanted to stroke the knuckles with his thumb, to guide them to his mouth and kiss them while looking in the other's eyes. he wanted to run his fingers through the younger's hair to feel the softness of each strand. he wanted to count his freckles like the stars in the sky and kiss him until they had no breath left and had to gasp for air.

he wanted felix so much.

he wanted to do so much and still, it hurt to have felix around. it hurt so much that whenever felix gave him a smile that the sun looked dull in comparison. his eyes resided the moon and countless galaxies while his freckles on his face were a competition for the stars. he loved nothing and no one so deeply like he loved felix, and it hurt him.

chan craved for his touch, his fingers caressing his skin. when felix's head was on his chest he feared that his heart wouldn't make it, that it would burst right then and there. wherever he was touched he felt the ghost of felix's warm skin on his, making him feel hot inside.

//

felix woke up when the sun hit his face through the curtains. his upper body was laying down on chan, the elders bare chest warming his face. felix felt chan's slow heartbeat directly under his skin and if he tilted his head a bit he would've been able to listen to it as well. however, he looked up instead to admire chan's face.

he appeared so incredibly calm and his eyes were a bit puffy. his hair was starting to curl at the ends, looking a bit damaged from the hair dye. with his pinky finger felix gently pushed a lone strand of hair out of chan's face.

the sunlight made it look like he had skin made out of honey and when felix focused his eyes he could recognize the slightest freckles his leader had that most of them rarely saw. a familiar warm feeling made its way into felix's heart, leaving him with a small smile in return.

he put his head back on the elders and snuggled closer between the area of chan's neck and collarbone. it was incredibly pleasant being squished between warm skin and a soft blanket. he fell back asleep.

the next time felix woke up he was alone in his bed. it still smelled like chan and it was also still slightly warm, indicating that it wasn't long since he left. he stood up and was greeted with the sight of the other australian in the kitchen with jeongin and minho sitting at the table.

since chan was currently standing in front of the stove he didn't take notice of felix yet. he quickly led his finger to his lips gesturing the other two to stay quiet. tiptoeing his way over to the other he nestled his arms against chan's stomach beneath his arms and planted a kiss against his neck.

“good morning.” 

felix rested his head on chan's shoulder. the latter turned his head a bit so that he could place a short kiss on the freckled cheek in return. “morning.”

“ew, be disgusting somewhere else.” minho sneered from the table but it was meant to be playful as he and jeongin were snickering. 

“you're just jealous.” felix retorted with a small smile on his face when chan was searching for some plates. they both sat down to eat their breakfast and then headed out to work. 'mornings like these are nice,' felix though.

he scrolled through his phone while eating but occasionally looked up just to see chan staring at him. it was a bit embarrassing and his cheeks heated up in the process but he smiled nonetheless.

yeah, mornings like these were really nice.

//

after the performance they were all tired and took no detours after their respective showers and went straight to bed. felix was already asleep when chan came into the room. not wanting to wake him chan carefully took one end of the blanket to cover himself with it. he hugged felix from behind and inhaled deeply. 

he smelled like the flower shampoo he used and chan's eyes started to close from exhaustion. his last thoughts were from back home and how he missed his family. he was thankful that felix was there with him.

_'no matter how close you are in my arms, you never seem to get close enough.'_

//

it was already 4 am and the sun was rising, but chan didn't see any of this because he was buried under his work, completely cut off from the outside. he ignored every text that the others sent him and they eventually died down the longer the night progressed. he just wanted to finish this one track he was working on, not planning on leaving anytime soon.

he knew that he should take a break. he really knew that. but he also knew that he was nearly finished, ignoring the warning signals his body sent out entirely.

chan was highly focused on his work until someone knocked on the door. he didn't even hear it until the knocking became a bit more pushy and louder. the sharp sounds pierced his skull and he jolted out of his trance. the door opened and he saw a familiar freckled boy stepping into the room.

he had horrible bags under his eyes like he just woke up, wearing basic black pants and one of chan's black hoodies that he probably threw on himself in a hurry.

chan had to squint his eyes at the sharp light that suddenly flooded the room.

“lixie...what...?”

“why aren't you home yet? you know this isn't good for you!” felix sounded really angry but chan's exhausted body couldn't bring itself to react to that in any way.

“i'm nearly finished, so...” but felix didn't have any of that.

“cut the crap! you're in no shape to work, so please... come home.” while he initially started with a fierce tone, the last part was softer and more pleading. chan instantly felt guilty, he made felix worry over him again. 

“felix...i'm sorry...” he moved to save his progress and shut down everything. now that he was out of his working headspace the whole exhaustion fell down on him.

“i'm so sorry, i promise that it won't happen again.”

“let's just...go home now, please.” felix didn't feel sad, he was disappointed. that chan failed to look after himself, that he never considered how everyone else felt whenever he would throw himself at his work without thinking of the consequences his body suffered after hours in the small studio. he was disappointed that he woke up alone in a cold bed.

there weren't many people on the streets and no one gave them a second glance, so felix accepted the risk and took the hand of the person that was trailing close behind of him. he didn't let go until they were home, only when they entered the front door.

when they neared their bed they just flopped down on the soft covers. chan instinctively moved to cradle felix in his arms. he was still wearing chan's hoodie.

“you know...you said you'd be home at midnight. so when i woke up and you still weren't home i got worried. i asked the others but they didn't know where you were either, and you didn't answer your texts. i know that you get absorbed in your work more often than not, but i still became anxious. please never do this to me again.” and felix sounded so, so incredibly sad. chan cursed his own mind for not even answering his texts to at least let the younger know that he was fine.

“i really am so sorry. i'll try to do better. for you. please...” chan's voice became small and he leaned his forehead on the felix's, but he still didn't have it in him to look felix in the eyes. chan was trembling.

felix took his left hand to caress chan's cheek. “hey, everything is fine now. just remember to not be so hard on yourself in the future.”

“i'll try, i promise.”

they were silent for a moment. and then:

“hyung.”

“hm?”

“i love you.” chan was a bit flabbergasted. he felt warm inside and a small grin formed on his face.

“you've never told me before. this is the first time.”

“really? don't act so surprised, you love me too, right?”

“you know i do. i love you so much.”

//

_i craved your touch, your fingers on my skin. i am begging you once again, touch me, please. i want nothing more from you. you looking at me, your lips on mine. no matter how close i hold you in my arms, you are never close enough._

__

_loving you hurts so bad because i am overwhelmed with my feelings. i could never get enough from you._

__

_loving you hurts so much, but for you, i'll take it all._

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is sponsored by my touch starvation
> 
> i might end up writing a prequel to this all, but that would be in a very far off future. right now i'm working on another chanlix fic and i hope i get to post the first chapter this month!  
> also please support binnie in smtm but keep in mind that it is a very ruthless show with evil editing, please don't start any fanwars!!
> 
> thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone got through this, thanks for reading. no i don't take criticism in any form, if anyone criticizes me i instantly break out in tears. feel free to leave nice ones instead please.
> 
> if you're just as desperate as me to make friends, maybe check out my social media:  
> instagram: @neviridian  
> tumblr: @nevio  
> twitter: @nevovaturient  
> i'm really nice, i swear. i'm just super shy. feel free to message me ok goodnight


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